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Wednesday, November 4, 2009, 5:00 PM
run away with you
I know, i have been blogging everyday but its cos there's been so much happening that i just want to pour onto paper and say.
Yesterday i went out with my baby karol for the first time in two years! Me changing schools and other commitments have drifted us apart but we're back together again.
I love you (L). We went to eat sushi in Market City then we went to get coffee from Gloria Jeans. Haha, ran into Davina and Anne, the bitches (L) We went window shopping and found some cute couple keyrings and phone charms. Ended up buying them for our boyfs, complete with a little card.
Was supposed to meet Newton at 5:00pm but there was no electricity on the Harbour Bridge and in North Sydney. Like no trains, no buses, no taxis. Ended up trekking it all the way from North Sydney to The Aquarium in Darling Harbour to meet up with me, karol and kevin in 35 degree heat.
My honey was pissy. But i made it all better by buying him a drink and a giving him his present. I should've taken a picture of it but mehhh. We ended up having dinner at Harbourside and then taking caps (: Then honey had to leave to catch his train and kev, karol and I trained it home at 11pm for mummy to take us back.
Then mummy and I had this massive talk about relationships, responsibilities and what not. I know mum loves me very much... she'll do anything in her power to protect and look after me. Its really hard when i know she's prejudiced against Newton cos apparently after i met her i "changed" - grew up, became more focused and determined and started going against her more.
I know its nothing to do with Newton. I've finished the HSC and i don't want to let my parents hold me back anymore. I need my freedom - they want me independant and finanically stable then they should give me the courtesy to be able to look do what i think is appropriate.
I understand why Mum is so cautious and protective of me. She's just doing what a good mother should... she wants me to be safe. And she'll do anything in her power to do that. Newton's over fixing our comps. Not exactly the best time for us at the moment.
Now!
Time for a photo vomit!
              
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009, 2:28 AM
we were two and had but one heart
HSC COMPLETED.
Yes, no more hsc, lots more freedom! I simply can't wait.
I'm actually exhausted at the moment. Its 2:48am and hopefully Newton is nice and warm in bed at the moment so he can be ready for work at 6am. This is going to be another reflection blog... have been having so many of these lately cos simply i havent experienced any of these emotions before... and while some people say that this is the worst time.. i actually think i couldn't have a better time for this... miracle to occur.
Chemistry was the last exam and quite frankly i know that all my HSC exams were poorly completed. Aside from that, Peter came to pick me up after the exam and took me to Yum Cha at cabra. We headed to bankstown afterwards - with me falling asleep in the car - and wandered around like the old days. I went bra shopping at Cotton On Body while peter waited outside.
He asked me to buy him some gum from Franklins, so i did. I came out and he gave me a bouquet of flowers. Not just any flowers though... they were ones i wanted specifically two years ago on Valentine's day.
Yes i remember.
One white long stemmed lily in the middle. 12 red roses around it. Sprinkled with silver glitter.
I was speechless. How long did i have to wait to recieve this? I was touched... i finally got what i wanted... but it was the end. It gave me closure. My best friend and only my best friend. I've grown up.
I called Newton once i got home. he wasn't happy. I understand why though, no guy likes his girlfriend recieving flowers from an ex. Or so i thought. I had to go dinner with my family to celebrate finishing my hsc so we left on quite a happy note.
I recieved 291389139123109 texts from him while i was eating (Korean). He was being needy and telling me how much he loved me and so on. It was absolutely adorable. I got home around 8:30pm and was talking to my mum after getting changed.
I went downstairs to check my phone when Newton rang. He sounded like he was crying? He hanged up after 30 seconds and i realised i had 4 missed calls from him. I went online and this is what happened:
[2/11/2009 8:01:30 PM] Newton Thaiposri: bebe it says ur online but nottttttt
[2/11/2009 8:02:56 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Awww I miss u
[2/11/2009 8:17:28 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Oil
[2/11/2009 8:18:00 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Oi
[2/11/2009 8:18:38 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I'm angry
[2/11/2009 8:19:44 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Tas
[2/11/2009 8:20:37 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I found out something
[2/11/2009 8:24:06 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Tasie
[2/11/2009 8:24:54 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Stop ignoring me
[2/11/2009 8:26:04 PM] Tasie Gian: what ?!
[2/11/2009 8:26:07 PM] Tasie Gian: i just got home
[2/11/2009 8:26:13 PM] Tasie Gian: i needed to get chaned
[2/11/2009 8:26:15 PM] Tasie Gian: changed**
[2/11/2009 8:26:17 PM] Tasie Gian: whats teh matter
[2/11/2009 8:26:43 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I can't believe I'm crying
[2/11/2009 8:27:05 PM] Tasie Gian: whats up >
[2/11/2009 8:27:33 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Nathan told me peter got u something else... Its on ur tucking front door...
[2/11/2009 8:27:44 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Fuckin
[2/11/2009 8:27:50 PM] Tasie Gian: what ?!
[2/11/2009 8:28:14 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I will kill him... Check now
[2/11/2009 8:28:31 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I'm crying with rage
[2/11/2009 8:30:13 PM] Newton Thaiposri: So did the bastard give u anything?
[2/11/2009 8:32:19 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Oi tell me
I ran upstairs and opened the door and there was a silver box with a graduation me2you bear and another unknown bag. I was like.... WTF. no seriously, WTF. Like... i didnt know what to do or what to say. Newton was angry and i didn't know what to do. I was contemplating throwing it away when Mum came out to see what i was doing and we ended up going inside my room to see what it was.
I looked at the envelope first and it had a big Infogenesis sticker on it and down the bottom was signed... Newton Thaiposri.
I thought i fucking died! I squealed (yes, i know) and it was so amazing.. i can't even articulate how... disbelieving i was. I opened the box and he bought me a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Champagne. It was so pretty...
The unknown bag turned out to be a present for Kelvin, along with a little cute note for my brother. Kelvin called Newton to say thank you.
But after i called him and he told me that Peter was at my driveway. Obviously, i knew it was a hoax but i played along anyway. So i listened to him and ran outside ... but saw nothing. LOL. I thought he left a card under my hose or something. Then i called and he's like.. "Do you see a flashing light? Walk towards it."
I thought nathan came to talk to me or he gave nathan something to give me.. but i saw my honey amongst the bush with his laptop and being eaten by mosquitoes.
he waited there since 6:30pm for me to come back so he could surprise me. Honestly.. no one ever, ever put in so much effort for me before. I didnt know what to say or do or anything. I was incoherent. I'm so fucking pissed right now cos i dont know how to articulate how i feel about him. When i said 'i love you' doesnt cut it anymore... i meant it.
how can i explain this feeling... ?
 
 
More than words.
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Saturday, October 31, 2009, 8:12 PM
house arrest
One more exam on monday and the HSC is over! The countdown is really ticking off!
Saw my honey today:
 
   and he got me a big ass tub of potato and gravy :) mmMmmmm. I think i love him moreeeeee. I got bitten/stung/attacked by these two fucken pow wow ants and jeez, my skin swelled up bad TT" I shall show you the photos once i am able to nick them off Newton - which probably means never.
Kimmie came over to tutor me with two bags of sushi, a special graduation angel (ngaww....) and my strawberries keyring (which was supposed to be given to me 2 years ago). I am going to sorely miss our talking sessions, bitching sessions and most of all her whole-hearted compassion and care for me. KIMMIEEEEE.
I miss her already and is only an hour!
On a different note....
Cleaning is hard. Removing items that have been with you for so long is harder. Although the feelings aren't there anymore, the memories still linger. My room is lined with items that were given to me from a special someone - small things ... soft toys, shirts, bubble blowers, lingerie roses (haha for $1), melted lollipops, watches. Not expensive branded objects but i'm still surprised they're still here 3 and half years down the track. That i forgotten about them. The pressed flower petals, the movie tickets, the reciepts from everything we bought together within our first year all kept together in a black scrapbook. The effort i put into the one i made him 3 years ago. I have a small suspicion that its in cinders scattered over his lawn.
Clearing away my biology, english, maths and chemistry papers i came across a small box i recieved 3 years ago. Right after our first break up. My first jar of stars and a paper heart. The note... the apologies of not being a better boyfriend and of putting us in this situation, of you appreciating the love and affection i gave and the NVR4GET161206.
How could i forget?
I remember our fights - my firm resoluteness... how i whinged because you never bought me anything pretty, how i felt unappreciated, how you didnt understand me, how i felt emotionally and physically strained.
The monotony that ensued for the next three years. I can't deny it that i love you. I wouldn't have stayed if that wasnt the case. Everybody thought we were the one. On and off and on and off, but inevitably we were always there for each other.
If you are reading this, i am really sorry for all the shit i put you through in our relationship. All commitment and love and care you gave me is irreplaceable. I call, you're there. No matter what the time and place. I still remember. When i wanted a frozen coke on saturday night you would be there. When i was wandering the streets at 2am, you would be there. It was amazing how much you could love and do for me and it would be easier on us all if i could just push it all away and not leave anything hanging, but i truly, truly want to thank you for all the care and passion and love you have given me.
But i know that you are hurt, cut, torn that i am in my current position. I need to tell you, the world, why.
You were shocked. You didnt understand how i could do everything, leave everything for a person i haven't known for that long, that has the power to destroy me, that has the worse track record possible. How could i do all this for a guy that i just met? How i could just throw everything away and demand nothing in return? Why couldn't i do it for you?
Everybody thought he was my "new thing" - the look, the style, the charisma, the personality... apparently everyone wanted him. At first i thought it was game, i played, i wanted to toy him along. I wasn't serious, didn't mean a thing. But he intrigued me because his story was so fascinating...
But I knew he just wanted to play. So be it. We talked and our conversations delved deeper. I found that he understood, empathised and had the patience to listen to my 'childish' tales. I knew he could deconstruct, analysed everything i said. He thought he knew me. I wont deny it, he probably does but...
I thought he was lonely. Not alone, but lonely. Trying to be too strong... trying to hold onto too much. I never felt so much willingness or desire to make someone happier, a bit brighter. You thought i was insane for doing so much and probably getting hurt in return.
You were wrong.
I was happy. For the first time in my life i was happy because he sounded happy. I didn't want anything in return at all. I just wanted him to be a bit happier and i knew that if he was happy to stay with her forever and i would most definately be ecstatic, from the bottom of my heart, for him. Because he cares and loves her, i will definately care and love her as well. Others say that its smearing salt over a bleeding wound.
Yes, i agree that i was unintenionally doing that. But i knew that he needs her in his life. He can't let his efforts go to waste. If she was going to be in his life, then i would no doubt support and love her just as he does. Its all unconscious... i do it unintenionally. Just hearing him sound happy over the phone brightens my day.
But i changed. I've become more needy. I went back on my words. I was selfish and couldnt let go of the chemistry that still remained between them.
I was wrong to blame, to start being monotonous and getting annoyed. I spent the last few days thinking long and hard about it. If he's happy like that, then why should i be so selfish? Why do i have to push him?
I disgust myself at my own selfishness and self-centered nature. Then i realised what pained me the most, what cut me the most during my fight with him. My ignorance had hurt him. I was the one who fucked up his day.
I don't ever, ever want that to happen again. I don't want to be the one that makes him unhappy. It pierces me to know that i caused all his frustration.
'I love you' doesn't cut it with him. I know people may think its too soon but you guys know how i am... i'm serious about this. I've never been so sure about anything in my life. And a piece of me soars everytime i know that i am the one who made him smile, that made him laugh.
while i'll NVR4GET161206 and i'll forever remember and cherish our memories no matter what you do to me... i need everyone to know that his happiness is what makes my world revolve.
As cheesy and as corny and as cliche as this sounds, i think i finally understand Romanticism and Emily Bronte's words...
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
I don't think anything can explain what i feel right now as accurately as that.
17OCt09 ---> eternity.
*EDIT
 those fuckers!
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Thursday, October 29, 2009, 7:29 PM
you know i still love you baby, and it will never change... saranghae
Second last exam tomorrow and then after monday i'll be fucking FREEEEEEE. *virtual fireworks*
But first a quick recap over the past few days...
Newton was over the 24th, originally we were gnna meet at the park outside my house but he ended up being amazed at how i could dent my clothes line when i was 5. Told you i was tank.
But here comes the funny story...
Two days before Newton came over for dinner with the parents (YES, I KNOW) and to fix the comps. Haha, but of course being still 17 my parents were sus and thus when they suddenly arrived home i did what i good daughter should....
shove my boyfriend in my wardrobe.
Told mum what happened when dad was on the phone.
Tasie: "MUM! guess what?!"
Tasie's Mum: "Mmm..." *continues cutting veges*
Tasie: "Newton's hiding in my room."
Tasie's Mum: "........ get him some food. Your dad will kill you if he finds out. Stay quiet."
Tasie: *salutes* "Yes mum."
Hahahahaha, then come the Adventures of Newton and Tasie....
 
 
 
Yes, this was during my HSC exams goddamnit.
Honey came to see me again the 26th... in the rain... with ICE CREAM AND CANDY. The sky shitted down on us and we were under his stupid bike jacket with holes and melted ice cream hahaha (L) its love babe.
 
 
Yes, my honey is a luvooo.
And im sexy on a bike ayeeee (:
Then yesterday...right after Maths ext 1 exam, i went home got changed and trained it to North Sydney in an attempt to surprise my honey. Was reading my bio notes on the train TT" I got him pretty purple orchids... BITCH to find i fucking tell you. But my surprised failed as i got lost and he needed to find me. Saw him for 10minutes before we both went home. He gave me a special little book. I think i died.
Shocking i know. But i'm sure you guys all know by now how much i fucking love the guy, even though i was an emotional wreck during bio (fucked it up) but oh well...
KAROL AND KEVIN JUST CAME OVER! Havent seen the girl in years... i miss our old times where we used to talk and bitch in geography, history, pe....... LOL. Miss her heaps and heaps and heaps. But it was exactly the same! We had our good long talk, but was interrupted by kevins whinging to go home :P That bf of hers... We shall continue our convo on tuesday baby.
I'm just waiting for Newton to finish editing my essay before i go off and attempt to study. Can't wait, NEARLY DONEEEE.
ps; here's one of the stalker photos Newton took of me while we were at hyde park....
Pedophile :P
love,
x
Puffles.
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Thursday, October 22, 2009, 12:57 AM
know that I must must pass this test, so just pull the trigger
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Monday, October 19, 2009, 4:29 PM
now i don't mind letting my guard down, my heart is yours now
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Sunday, October 18, 2009, 2:41 AM
a twist in my story
I'm about have my arse frozen off.
Blahhh.
Had a wonderful, wonderful time today. But note to self, when nathan calls for dinner, be prepared to wait 3 hours TT"
Oh, btw. HSC is around the cornerrrrrrrrr.
Then its o-o-o-o-o-o-verrrrrrrr.
YAY.
its colddddddddddd.
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Info
Here are the ramblings of a almost-retired HSC student, whose laziness has finally prevailed. Watch my impossible to journey to burn many excess calories while eating pizza
and channel surfing.
But first, a few stats:
tasie gian, 17teen;
17 december 91;
also answers to fatty;
is of chinese, vietnamese and fillipino ethicity;
self-confessed bitch;
east hills girls technology;
alumni of condell park high;
unfortunately, still a L-plater;
loves her newton <3
My ever-fluctuating fetishes are currently:
newton. candy. multiple piercings. trackies. messy hair. collared shirts. the sale rack. han geng. kim bum. kpop. rnb. sleeping in. making deadlines. long nights on the phone. green tea cappucinos. being lazy. procrastinating. night life.
curled lashes. pimple-less skin. chauffeurs. 2PM. SHINee. nice people. long legs. sales. changing wallets biannually. cheap thrills. mommy and daddy and baby brother and besties. unfortunately twilight. left for dead. mario vs sonic @ the olympic games.
driving.
I despise:
early mornings. animal cruelty. disrespect. being late. public transport needs to DIE. chemistry. mathematics. brussel sprouts. druggies. sleep-deprivedness. scary people. being fatty. tired eyes. breakouts. bad service. untameable hair. stumpy legs (sigh). huge egos. rude people.
snobby people. bitchy girls (and guys). people-who-think-they-own-the-place people.
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Wednesday, November 4, 2009, 5:00 PM
run away with you
I know, i have been blogging everyday but its cos there's been so much happening that i just want to pour onto paper and say.
Yesterday i went out with my baby karol for the first time in two years! Me changing schools and other commitments have drifted us apart but we're back together again.
I love you (L). We went to eat sushi in Market City then we went to get coffee from Gloria Jeans. Haha, ran into Davina and Anne, the bitches (L) We went window shopping and found some cute couple keyrings and phone charms. Ended up buying them for our boyfs, complete with a little card.
Was supposed to meet Newton at 5:00pm but there was no electricity on the Harbour Bridge and in North Sydney. Like no trains, no buses, no taxis. Ended up trekking it all the way from North Sydney to The Aquarium in Darling Harbour to meet up with me, karol and kevin in 35 degree heat.
My honey was pissy. But i made it all better by buying him a drink and a giving him his present. I should've taken a picture of it but mehhh. We ended up having dinner at Harbourside and then taking caps (: Then honey had to leave to catch his train and kev, karol and I trained it home at 11pm for mummy to take us back.
Then mummy and I had this massive talk about relationships, responsibilities and what not. I know mum loves me very much... she'll do anything in her power to protect and look after me. Its really hard when i know she's prejudiced against Newton cos apparently after i met her i "changed" - grew up, became more focused and determined and started going against her more.
I know its nothing to do with Newton. I've finished the HSC and i don't want to let my parents hold me back anymore. I need my freedom - they want me independant and finanically stable then they should give me the courtesy to be able to look do what i think is appropriate.
I understand why Mum is so cautious and protective of me. She's just doing what a good mother should... she wants me to be safe. And she'll do anything in her power to do that. Newton's over fixing our comps. Not exactly the best time for us at the moment.
Now!
Time for a photo vomit!
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009, 2:28 AM
we were two and had but one heart
HSC COMPLETED.
Yes, no more hsc, lots more freedom! I simply can't wait.
I'm actually exhausted at the moment. Its 2:48am and hopefully Newton is nice and warm in bed at the moment so he can be ready for work at 6am. This is going to be another reflection blog... have been having so many of these lately cos simply i havent experienced any of these emotions before... and while some people say that this is the worst time.. i actually think i couldn't have a better time for this... miracle to occur.
Chemistry was the last exam and quite frankly i know that all my HSC exams were poorly completed. Aside from that, Peter came to pick me up after the exam and took me to Yum Cha at cabra. We headed to bankstown afterwards - with me falling asleep in the car - and wandered around like the old days. I went bra shopping at Cotton On Body while peter waited outside.
He asked me to buy him some gum from Franklins, so i did. I came out and he gave me a bouquet of flowers. Not just any flowers though... they were ones i wanted specifically two years ago on Valentine's day.
Yes i remember.
One white long stemmed lily in the middle. 12 red roses around it. Sprinkled with silver glitter.
I was speechless. How long did i have to wait to recieve this? I was touched... i finally got what i wanted... but it was the end. It gave me closure. My best friend and only my best friend. I've grown up.
I called Newton once i got home. he wasn't happy. I understand why though, no guy likes his girlfriend recieving flowers from an ex. Or so i thought. I had to go dinner with my family to celebrate finishing my hsc so we left on quite a happy note.
I recieved 291389139123109 texts from him while i was eating (Korean). He was being needy and telling me how much he loved me and so on. It was absolutely adorable. I got home around 8:30pm and was talking to my mum after getting changed.
I went downstairs to check my phone when Newton rang. He sounded like he was crying? He hanged up after 30 seconds and i realised i had 4 missed calls from him. I went online and this is what happened:
[2/11/2009 8:01:30 PM] Newton Thaiposri: bebe it says ur online but nottttttt
[2/11/2009 8:02:56 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Awww I miss u
[2/11/2009 8:17:28 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Oil
[2/11/2009 8:18:00 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Oi
[2/11/2009 8:18:38 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I'm angry
[2/11/2009 8:19:44 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Tas
[2/11/2009 8:20:37 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I found out something
[2/11/2009 8:24:06 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Tasie
[2/11/2009 8:24:54 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Stop ignoring me
[2/11/2009 8:26:04 PM] Tasie Gian: what ?!
[2/11/2009 8:26:07 PM] Tasie Gian: i just got home
[2/11/2009 8:26:13 PM] Tasie Gian: i needed to get chaned
[2/11/2009 8:26:15 PM] Tasie Gian: changed**
[2/11/2009 8:26:17 PM] Tasie Gian: whats teh matter
[2/11/2009 8:26:43 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I can't believe I'm crying
[2/11/2009 8:27:05 PM] Tasie Gian: whats up >
[2/11/2009 8:27:33 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Nathan told me peter got u something else... Its on ur tucking front door...
[2/11/2009 8:27:44 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Fuckin
[2/11/2009 8:27:50 PM] Tasie Gian: what ?!
[2/11/2009 8:28:14 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I will kill him... Check now
[2/11/2009 8:28:31 PM] Newton Thaiposri: I'm crying with rage
[2/11/2009 8:30:13 PM] Newton Thaiposri: So did the bastard give u anything?
[2/11/2009 8:32:19 PM] Newton Thaiposri: Oi tell me
I ran upstairs and opened the door and there was a silver box with a graduation me2you bear and another unknown bag. I was like.... WTF. no seriously, WTF. Like... i didnt know what to do or what to say. Newton was angry and i didn't know what to do. I was contemplating throwing it away when Mum came out to see what i was doing and we ended up going inside my room to see what it was.
I looked at the envelope first and it had a big Infogenesis sticker on it and down the bottom was signed... Newton Thaiposri.
I thought i fucking died! I squealed (yes, i know) and it was so amazing.. i can't even articulate how... disbelieving i was. I opened the box and he bought me a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Champagne. It was so pretty...
The unknown bag turned out to be a present for Kelvin, along with a little cute note for my brother. Kelvin called Newton to say thank you.
But after i called him and he told me that Peter was at my driveway. Obviously, i knew it was a hoax but i played along anyway. So i listened to him and ran outside ... but saw nothing. LOL. I thought he left a card under my hose or something. Then i called and he's like.. "Do you see a flashing light? Walk towards it."
I thought nathan came to talk to me or he gave nathan something to give me.. but i saw my honey amongst the bush with his laptop and being eaten by mosquitoes.
he waited there since 6:30pm for me to come back so he could surprise me. Honestly.. no one ever, ever put in so much effort for me before. I didnt know what to say or do or anything. I was incoherent. I'm so fucking pissed right now cos i dont know how to articulate how i feel about him. When i said 'i love you' doesnt cut it anymore... i meant it.
how can i explain this feeling... ?
More than words.
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Saturday, October 31, 2009, 8:12 PM
house arrest
One more exam on monday and the HSC is over! The countdown is really ticking off!
Saw my honey today:
and he got me a big ass tub of potato and gravy :) mmMmmmm. I think i love him moreeeeee. I got bitten/stung/attacked by these two fucken pow wow ants and jeez, my skin swelled up bad TT" I shall show you the photos once i am able to nick them off Newton - which probably means never.
Kimmie came over to tutor me with two bags of sushi, a special graduation angel (ngaww....) and my strawberries keyring (which was supposed to be given to me 2 years ago). I am going to sorely miss our talking sessions, bitching sessions and most of all her whole-hearted compassion and care for me. KIMMIEEEEE.
I miss her already and is only an hour!
On a different note....
Cleaning is hard. Removing items that have been with you for so long is harder. Although the feelings aren't there anymore, the memories still linger. My room is lined with items that were given to me from a special someone - small things ... soft toys, shirts, bubble blowers, lingerie roses (haha for $1), melted lollipops, watches. Not expensive branded objects but i'm still surprised they're still here 3 and half years down the track. That i forgotten about them. The pressed flower petals, the movie tickets, the reciepts from everything we bought together within our first year all kept together in a black scrapbook. The effort i put into the one i made him 3 years ago. I have a small suspicion that its in cinders scattered over his lawn.
Clearing away my biology, english, maths and chemistry papers i came across a small box i recieved 3 years ago. Right after our first break up. My first jar of stars and a paper heart. The note... the apologies of not being a better boyfriend and of putting us in this situation, of you appreciating the love and affection i gave and the NVR4GET161206.
How could i forget?
I remember our fights - my firm resoluteness... how i whinged because you never bought me anything pretty, how i felt unappreciated, how you didnt understand me, how i felt emotionally and physically strained.
The monotony that ensued for the next three years. I can't deny it that i love you. I wouldn't have stayed if that wasnt the case. Everybody thought we were the one. On and off and on and off, but inevitably we were always there for each other.
If you are reading this, i am really sorry for all the shit i put you through in our relationship. All commitment and love and care you gave me is irreplaceable. I call, you're there. No matter what the time and place. I still remember. When i wanted a frozen coke on saturday night you would be there. When i was wandering the streets at 2am, you would be there. It was amazing how much you could love and do for me and it would be easier on us all if i could just push it all away and not leave anything hanging, but i truly, truly want to thank you for all the care and passion and love you have given me.
But i know that you are hurt, cut, torn that i am in my current position. I need to tell you, the world, why.
You were shocked. You didnt understand how i could do everything, leave everything for a person i haven't known for that long, that has the power to destroy me, that has the worse track record possible. How could i do all this for a guy that i just met? How i could just throw everything away and demand nothing in return? Why couldn't i do it for you?
Everybody thought he was my "new thing" - the look, the style, the charisma, the personality... apparently everyone wanted him. At first i thought it was game, i played, i wanted to toy him along. I wasn't serious, didn't mean a thing. But he intrigued me because his story was so fascinating...
But I knew he just wanted to play. So be it. We talked and our conversations delved deeper. I found that he understood, empathised and had the patience to listen to my 'childish' tales. I knew he could deconstruct, analysed everything i said. He thought he knew me. I wont deny it, he probably does but...
I thought he was lonely. Not alone, but lonely. Trying to be too strong... trying to hold onto too much. I never felt so much willingness or desire to make someone happier, a bit brighter. You thought i was insane for doing so much and probably getting hurt in return.
You were wrong.
I was happy. For the first time in my life i was happy because he sounded happy. I didn't want anything in return at all. I just wanted him to be a bit happier and i knew that if he was happy to stay with her forever and i would most definately be ecstatic, from the bottom of my heart, for him. Because he cares and loves her, i will definately care and love her as well. Others say that its smearing salt over a bleeding wound.
Yes, i agree that i was unintenionally doing that. But i knew that he needs her in his life. He can't let his efforts go to waste. If she was going to be in his life, then i would no doubt support and love her just as he does. Its all unconscious... i do it unintenionally. Just hearing him sound happy over the phone brightens my day.
But i changed. I've become more needy. I went back on my words. I was selfish and couldnt let go of the chemistry that still remained between them.
I was wrong to blame, to start being monotonous and getting annoyed. I spent the last few days thinking long and hard about it. If he's happy like that, then why should i be so selfish? Why do i have to push him?
I disgust myself at my own selfishness and self-centered nature. Then i realised what pained me the most, what cut me the most during my fight with him. My ignorance had hurt him. I was the one who fucked up his day.
I don't ever, ever want that to happen again. I don't want to be the one that makes him unhappy. It pierces me to know that i caused all his frustration.
'I love you' doesn't cut it with him. I know people may think its too soon but you guys know how i am... i'm serious about this. I've never been so sure about anything in my life. And a piece of me soars everytime i know that i am the one who made him smile, that made him laugh.
while i'll NVR4GET161206 and i'll forever remember and cherish our memories no matter what you do to me... i need everyone to know that his happiness is what makes my world revolve.
As cheesy and as corny and as cliche as this sounds, i think i finally understand Romanticism and Emily Bronte's words...
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
I don't think anything can explain what i feel right now as accurately as that.
17OCt09 ---> eternity.
*EDIT
those fuckers!
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Thursday, October 29, 2009, 7:29 PM
you know i still love you baby, and it will never change... saranghae
Second last exam tomorrow and then after monday i'll be fucking FREEEEEEE. *virtual fireworks*
But first a quick recap over the past few days...
Newton was over the 24th, originally we were gnna meet at the park outside my house but he ended up being amazed at how i could dent my clothes line when i was 5. Told you i was tank.
But here comes the funny story...
Two days before Newton came over for dinner with the parents (YES, I KNOW) and to fix the comps. Haha, but of course being still 17 my parents were sus and thus when they suddenly arrived home i did what i good daughter should....
shove my boyfriend in my wardrobe.
Told mum what happened when dad was on the phone.
Tasie: "MUM! guess what?!"
Tasie's Mum: "Mmm..." *continues cutting veges*
Tasie: "Newton's hiding in my room."
Tasie's Mum: "........ get him some food. Your dad will kill you if he finds out. Stay quiet."
Tasie: *salutes* "Yes mum."
Hahahahaha, then come the Adventures of Newton and Tasie....
Yes, this was during my HSC exams goddamnit.
Honey came to see me again the 26th... in the rain... with ICE CREAM AND CANDY. The sky shitted down on us and we were under his stupid bike jacket with holes and melted ice cream hahaha (L) its love babe.
Yes, my honey is a luvooo.
And im sexy on a bike ayeeee (:
Then yesterday...right after Maths ext 1 exam, i went home got changed and trained it to North Sydney in an attempt to surprise my honey. Was reading my bio notes on the train TT" I got him pretty purple orchids... BITCH to find i fucking tell you. But my surprised failed as i got lost and he needed to find me. Saw him for 10minutes before we both went home. He gave me a special little book. I think i died.
Shocking i know. But i'm sure you guys all know by now how much i fucking love the guy, even though i was an emotional wreck during bio (fucked it up) but oh well...
KAROL AND KEVIN JUST CAME OVER! Havent seen the girl in years... i miss our old times where we used to talk and bitch in geography, history, pe....... LOL. Miss her heaps and heaps and heaps. But it was exactly the same! We had our good long talk, but was interrupted by kevins whinging to go home :P That bf of hers... We shall continue our convo on tuesday baby.
I'm just waiting for Newton to finish editing my essay before i go off and attempt to study. Can't wait, NEARLY DONEEEE.
ps; here's one of the stalker photos Newton took of me while we were at hyde park....
Pedophile :P
love,
x
Puffles.
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Thursday, October 22, 2009, 12:57 AM
know that I must must pass this test, so just pull the trigger
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Monday, October 19, 2009, 4:29 PM
now i don't mind letting my guard down, my heart is yours now
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Sunday, October 18, 2009, 2:41 AM
a twist in my story
I'm about have my arse frozen off.
Blahhh.
Had a wonderful, wonderful time today. But note to self, when nathan calls for dinner, be prepared to wait 3 hours TT"
Oh, btw. HSC is around the cornerrrrrrrrr.
Then its o-o-o-o-o-o-verrrrrrrr.
YAY.
its colddddddddddd.
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Articulate
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