There’s too many blues in my life. The roaming blue of the sky, the deep fathomless azure of the ocean and the electric, pale, exotic blues of satin that surrounded me last night. Yet none was a dazzling, brilliant radiant beacon that represented a colour of happiness, fulfilment and endearing, ever-enduring satisfaction that could reassure me what I am doing is right.

It’s got me wondering to what extent I will fight for my own sense of fulfilment. What do I live for?
I’ve never felt so fulfilled yet so empty.

Fulfilled – I’ve given it my everything, I didn’t hold back and I gave everything I could have, pushed the boundaries of my own patience, tolerance and understanding, and tried everything to reassure and prove that regardless I will stand by my convictions.

Empty – for the first time I gave someone everything I had in my life; unparallelled tolerance and acceptance, the greatest amount of affection, love and care possible and understanding.
Understanding.
But it isn’t enough to prove that i love them.
“Do you love me? He asks. You say I teach you unparralled tolerance and patience, then you are in this relationship for yourself.”

No, i don’t love you but i would still jump out of a moving car to come after you. I would run from the city’s exit to QVB in my formal shoes at 1am in the morning to try to find you with no phone and money because you had them. I cut off all loose ties, a 3 and a half year relationship to make sure i would be no burden on you. Trying to hold in all the pain it caused me, knowing that i wasted three years – three years of love, effort and care. But that didn’t matter to me because i thought would be able to show you how much you mean to me.

I even tolerated sharing you with your ex-partner during the entire period of our relationship. Her calling you, texting you everyday, her having a permanent position in our relationship. You leaving me to talk to her. You leaving me, jumping out of the car, because of her. You leaving me, during my formal to talk to her. You sitting on my laptop at my house at 2am to talk to her about her problems. Me, having to constantly relive YOUR relationship with her through her stories, her memories and what she tells me. From day one, it wasn’t just me and you newton. Our relationship has always been me, you and darliette.

You say you owe it to her. Because she and her family took you in and you need to repay them. I don’t question that. But let me ask you this...

What do i owe darliette?

Because with you say you want to integrate me into your life, being there for you, with you constantly. Your problems with her becomes my problems, as much as i don’t want it to be, because you make it out that way. I leave because i know its not my place. You talk to her at 2am in the morning at my house, i saw the photo, i left because i don’t want to relive your relationship with her. What happened between you two... you know i hate knowing and i don’t want to know. It raises more doubts. But i tolerate darliette telling me all that because YOU owe it to her.

But really... do you think its fair on me that i have to encompass our relationship and her problems too? That i have to take on board what she throws at me because you feel like you owe it to her?

Thats why this relationship kills me... you leave me to sort out my own problems, you say don’t worry about what is beyond your control, but you’re always there for darliette but never there for me.

You don’t know how much internal agony i have been during this month. You always knew what hurt me so much but you refused to do anything about it. I don’t want you to choose but can you at least be fair?

In this three-people relationship... i am willing to share you with darliette but im cut because you cant/wont treat me the same way you treat her. You say her neediness annoys you, but the one who has to cop your annoyance and your anger is me. You jumped out of a car because of her. You left me because of her.

How can i encompass that?

Whats the point of being your girlfriend if you your ex girlfriend gets the better treatment. Wait, not ex, cos you know its like your having two girlfriends. You may be physically here with me, but emotionally you are with her and will always be there with her.

Yes, you hate this guilt trip?
It wouldn’t be a guilt trip if you didn’t think exactly the same way i do.

I could take you leaving me to talk to her every other night... but yesterday was my year 12 formal. It was supposed to be a time for me and you, as you said, but you ended the night with darliette.

Newton...
I need an outlet for this. For how i feel because it pierces me inside.
I wish i could be so self-centred and selfish in that way to not care about you too.

formal pics soon (or on facebook)